Asking for a Friend

My Ex-Friend Keeps Bad-Mouthing Me. What Do I Do?

Every time I think the drama’s over, someone new fills me in on what she’s said.

November 3, 2025

Collage: Self; Source Image: Bettmann/Getty Images

Welcome to Asking for a Friend, an advice column that helps you make sense of your messiest, most complicated friendship moments. Each month, clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, will answer readers’ burning—and anonymous—questions. Got one of your own? Ask Dr. Miriam here.

Dear Dr. Miriam,

Years ago, I had a bad falling out with a former friend from high school. At a recent reunion, I found out that she’s been telling almost everyone our personal business while leaving out key details, especially the stuff she did to me. What’s worse, she’s sharing this one-sided and false narrative with people she’s not even close to.

It really bothers me that people might have an inaccurate perception of me, and I’m not sure what to do. Should I correct everyone and share the full story (even though it feels private)? Be the bigger person and stay silent even though that seems unfair for me? Or do I confront her directly? And if so, what’s the best way to do that when I know she strongly dislikes me and likely won’t empathize? —Reunited and It Feels…Not Good

Reunited and It Feels…Not Good,

Two words have recently made their way into (ahem, taken over) the cultural conversation about unmet expectations and relationship challenges: “Let them.” I want to introduce two more: So what?

I don’t ask this flippantly or rhetorically, but seriously. So what if your former friend is rehashing details about the past and your connection? So what if someone has an incorrect or incomplete understanding of the situation? What consequences are you specifically concerned about?

Maybe you’re worried that people will judge you (So what?), or that they won’t believe you (So what?), or that they’ll choose her side (So what?).

At the end of this train of inquiry, you might learn that you’re afraid of losing people close to you. Or that your reputation will be irreversibly damaged. Or maybe you fear that it will confirm a core belief like I’m unlovable, or no one likes me, or the world is an unsafe place. This “so what” exercise isn’t meant to minimize your fears, but to reveal them so that you can gauge their likelihood and choose how the “today you” wants to respond.

Reunions have a way of reconnecting us not only with people from our past, but with past versions of ourselves. Without even realizing it, we can regress into prior roles and relationship dynamics. Is it possible that your fears are actually echoes of the past, as opposed to present threats? To put it plainly, your high school self might find this downright dreadful and be preoccupied with what people are thinking, but does your current self need to? And the same way you’d like your ex-friend to leave your personal business in the past, are there unhelpful beliefs you, too, can leave behind?

Social anxiety can lead us to overestimate the chance of these worst-case scenarios coming true. What’s more, social media can heighten our experience of feeling judged. The key to reframing our anxious predictions, though, is to question their accuracy. How realistic is this fear? Maybe your peers won’t care or even believe her. Maybe this former friend’s blabbing will actually lead them to make assumptions about her character.

Next, question the helpfulness of your thoughts. How might your “what if” anxieties be getting in the way of your current relationship or well-being? And what if you tried asking a more helpful question: What if things work out better than I anticipate?

So, what do you want to do? The way you’ve framed it, it sounds like there’s a tension between two options: (1) correct everyone or (2) stay silent. Do you really need (or want) to correct everyone, or are there a few key people you’d like to reach out to? Do you need to share your entire version of events, or can you narrow it down to a few important details? You can also keep it broad: I’m not comfortable going into specifics about our past, but it’s important to me that you know there’s more to the story. And it’s tough for me that this isn’t being acknowledged or heard. (This can keep your discussions from turning into a vent session or even a trial about past recollections.)

I also suggest you get clear on your present why: Why are you motivated to tell them this information now? Don’t only think about this, lead with it: Try to avoid tying your why to assumptions about them (Because you shouldn't believe everything you hear. Because I’m sure you’re mad at me., etc.). Give them the benefit of the doubt—for their sake and yours.

You also wondered about speaking directly with your former friend. Before you do that, ask yourself: What kind of an exchange are you open to having? Are you interested in gaining clarity on what’s been said or perhaps even working towards a resolution? (It’s been difficult to hear that you’ve been talking about our past friendship. Now that it’s being brought up, I’d prefer we work through this together instead of involving others.)

Or are you looking to communicate a clear boundary? If relevant, you can be specific about what your requests are (e.g., I am not comfortable with you…speaking about/leaving out a specific part of our history/bringing this up in a group or public setting/sharing this with our mutual friends. Please know if this continues, it’s important for me to share my side of the story as well.).

The clearer your limits and requests are, the easier it is to build mutual understanding and clarify any perceived transgressions. (Fair warning, though: It’s possible that, depending on the person, the details of your message might, too, become public domain.)

Just as you’re working to manage the public narrative, I also encourage you to protect your well-being. Will having these conversations lead to change or even bring you closer to the friends who do support you? Maybe. Might it also keep you from connecting meaningfully with the important people who are part of your present? It's possible. Be mindful of how much energy you spend stressing about, rehashing, and managing this fallout. Equally important, make sure you’re reaching out to people you trust and care about more often for the sake of meeting your need for connection, not correcting a misperception.